A short love story.

I had never felt happier. Though I couldn't wipe the silly grin from my face, reality still reminded me that there were three very sad components in this moment. First, was that I only had a few weeks left with this man. Second, was that I had only had a few weeks with him. Lastly, was that I knew, without a doubt, that I was madly in love with him.

On this cool summer night, beneath the glow of the full moon and the twinkling stars spread across the endless night sky, I found myself nestled into his strong, warm chest. His arms wrapped tightly around me, I couldn't find an ounce of strength that would allow me to let go of him and walk into the house, though I knew it must be late.

We had just gotten back to my place after a wonderful dinner at a fancy Italian restaurant and a walk-and-talk in the park. That's what I loved most about him, we could talk all day long and never tire of conversation, never run out of things to say. We each had our own strong opinions about every little aspect of life and each of us were willing to speak our minds, and both more than eager to hear the others point of view. Conversation had started this relationship, and it had not depleted in the few short weeks we had spent together.

He shifted his hand from my back up to my head to gently stroke my hair which pulled me back into the present. Into the strong loving embrace of his arms. Both of us sighed in unison. I pulled away slowly and only by a couple inches as to not loose the feel of his touch against me.
Without command my head dropped to stare at the ground. I could feel words wanting to escape from my mouth, but I was not exactly sure what they were. I briefly looked up to meet his gaze, his face was soft, beautiful, and slightly puzzled by my body language. I dropped my eyes back to my feet and felt a lump swell in the back of my throat. I swallowed hard to choke it down.
He caressed my hair once more and softly cued, "What is it my darling?" I swallowed again as another lump rose in my throat, I was still just as confused as he was by what was going on. Without lifting my head I rolled my eyes up to glance at him through my eyelashes. I blinked furiously a few times to clear away the liquid swelling up in my eyes. He patiently awaited my response, with a more concerned look washing over his face. I let my eyes fall back towards the ground and felt my mouth open slightly. Still not knowing what I was saying I heard my voice soft and low, "I think we have a problem, Mr. Perry." I spoke meaning for my words to sound teasingly, but in the current state they came out more serious than I wanted. At this point I must have appeared to have something seriously sad to say to him. He gently placed his finger and thumb on my chin and pulled my face up to meet his gaze. Those eyes, so warm, so vibrant, so beautiful. I attempted to blink away more fluid, only this time the movement forced the warm tears to roll down my cheeks. He used his free hand to wipe the tears from my face, but didn't move the grip he had on my chin, I assumed it was for fear that I would look away again; and I would have.
"What exactly do you mean?" His words trembled, full of fear and confusion. Still lost in my own thoughts and words I began stuttering through my sentence. "Well...." I gulped down another lump, he still stood there patiently as ever as I struggled through my words, my eyes darting around carelessly as his stare seemed too much for me to take in. Clearly I was nervous to spit out whatever it was my brain wanted say. I began again,"Well..."
This time my words came out louder and with more confidence, "You see, I've fallen for you.....hard." I put a strong emphasis on the word 'hard.'
He chuckled softly with relief. My eyes met his and he was smirking; clearly he had expected something much worse after all my emotional battling. He softly placed each of the palms of his hands on my cheeks and a more serious, yet still lightly amused, look washed across his face.
"I'm already three steps ahead of you love."
"Really?" I managed to spit out, sounding more desperate that I would have liked.
"Really." He stated bodly and to the point. "In fact, Ms. Cuskelly, I haven't just fallen... I've fallen so hard I pushed through the ground, circled around, and rained back down from the sky." He giggled again as if he thought what he was saying was amusing and silly, though still very true. "What I mean is.... I love you."
There was no more giddy tone to his voice on that statement. He was serious. I could feel it. He could feel it. The moment was almost too powerful to handle.
"I love you too." I loudly whispered, as if he had stolen my breath.
He pulled my face to his and softly but firmly placed his lips on mine. We stood there kissing for an amount of time that seemed as it would never last long enough. When we finally broke apart he pulled me tightly into his chest again. His strong arms wrapping all the way around my back, almost too tightly. He rested his cheek on my head and sighed. "I've been waiting my whole life to feel like this. I've been waiting my whole life to find you."
The tears were welling up in mass quantities at this point, too much for me to hold back. I softly mumbled, "me too, Luke, me too." And without any other choice I gently weeped in his arms.

We were swaying back and forth at that point, which I'm sure he started to try and calm my nerves. He pulled back and lightly kissed my forehead. His fingers once again drying my tear stained cheeks. "Don't cry beautiful, let me see that radiant smile I love so much." I chuckled at that, which sounded more like I was gasping for air. He always did know how to make me laugh. A big smile swept across my face, and I shifted up on my toes to kiss him again.
"Please stay. I don't want to waste a single minute we have with each other." I muttered selfishly.
"Anything you wish my love." He replied with a sheepish grin. His words warmed my heart. I grabbed his hand and weaved my fingers through his. Pulling him inside the sad reality of time slapped me in the face again. I knew I only had two more weeks with him, and then he would have to leave.
Once inside I turned to him letting a sad expression fall over my face again.
"I don't know how I will survive this summer without you." I pathetically declared.
"We will find ourselves together again my dear, time is only of the essence."
I simply nodded in response, and with a crooked smile on his face. He leaned down and kissed me again.

I knew at that moment that the next two weeks would be the best two weeks of my life. I couldn't believe that I would meet someone else who could woo me like he did. But, I took comfort in the thought that no matter what the summer held for either of us, at the very least we had this time together. This night, this feeling, this love, would last me a lifetime, let alone one summer.

Poems

Here's a TON of old poems that I wrote between the years of 1999-2004 'ish.... It would take to long to separate them I decided, so I just put them all together on this one blog. Enjoy. Or don't. Whatever. :P

BATHTUB DRAMA

She cries. She gasps.

She smiles. She sighs.

She's happy or sad, she doesn't know.

But holding on tight, she's ready to go.

The shiny smooth blade is calling her name;

She's fed up with this shit, with these people, and this pain.

Slowly it drags from her ankles, to her wrist, and she relaxs her head.

Her blood now breathing oxygen turns from blue to red.

When its all over she lays there so still;

The water is warm as the blood starts to spill.

Her aches and pains, they all drift away.

Her troubles her worries, they all float a stray.

Finally she feels content and at peace.

Her eyes close softly with complacent relief.

It's finally done. Its done and its over.

Fuck luck, and fuck the four leaf clover.

Wondering if its really what she wanted. Well she's about to find out.

But now she floats up from her body, her soul drifting delicately about.

She sighs.

She smiles.

She gasps.

She cries.

TRUST

You put a knife in my heart and its tearing me apart,

From my chest to my toes i can't let go.

You said it wouldn't hurt and i believed you,

Trust is a fucked up thing cause it's rarely the truth.

See the irony? Feel the pain?

THE SUN

The sun; it shines everyday. Even if its hidden by clouds, even if its nighttime,

it's shining. Shining on someone else, but still reflecting its shine onto us.

Even if you can't see it you know its there. Well, you trust it's there.

Love should be like that.

What if the sun decided not to come up tommorrow?

Frozen in an ice pool of lonliness, with no glowing warmth to cheer you up.

And just like that, you fall out of love.

WORTH

I thought the time we had was priceless.

Turns out it cost me more then i ever wanted to pay.

When the going gets tough, the weak fall asleep.

You just keep nodding off.

You can try to escape in a dillusional dream,

but reality awaits you no matter what you do.

I just wanted to see you smile even if it makes me frown.

I'll always love you,

but i don't think i like you anymore.

You used to make me cry.

I don't care enough to cry anymore.

BLISS

Simple bliss comes not from knowing what you want to do,

but enjoying what you are doing at the moment.

The suculent pleasures of life come from ones own perspective of the situation at hand.

Isn't it enough to just be happy?

MATCHMAKER

I try to make you happy even if it makes me cry.

I thought you were grateful, you acted it at first.

But that must have been to keep me around to finish the job.

Because where i used to help you and carry you along,

you now walk on your own. I'm invisible to you.

You drift off basking in what i worked to get you.

Now you can do it yourself, you don't need me.

I don't matter.

You left me far behind, standing alone.

Words don't express what i want to say,

but don't actions speak louder anyway?

When i try to talk to you that's when i know you could care less.

It looks like you are listening but your mind is clearly somewhere else.

You can't see through your happiness to see to my pain.

Getting through is useless so i'll just sit here and complain.

Isn't it enough to just look and act happy?

Easily done on the surface, but inside there's an empty void.

All night i dream about the day, but when the day actually comes its never the same.

When will it be my turn to move from this path?

Always the matchmaker, never the match.

AGAIN

Putty in your hands

here i am again

just last week i was complete

and here i am again

only you can disrupt the calmest of lakes

with just one touch

deny it i will

but i long for it so much.

and here i am again.

SPINNING

Drifting in like a wind no one predicted.

Chained and contained without a choice.

Now twisting and swirling with confusion.

Can't stand to see you sad,

though thats what i am.

Now i can't imagine my world without you in it.

Locked in an unbreakable chain

I need you to need me.

i'm addicted. why can't this be mutual?

I'm out of control, i can't describe how i feel.

If i let go, will you grab the wheel?

Running out of breath

frusteration envelopes me.

I lie still but have motion sickness.

Only you.

Still spinning.

SAVE ME

Extend your arms and hold me tighter then gravity can.

Don't let go till the world comes to an end.

I can't do this alone, I won't.

Carry me. Father me.

Fill me with your knowledge

Pacify me with your kindness

Adore me with your charm

Don't look away,

watch me

Don't close your eyes,

see me.

Don't loose your grip,

hold me.

Don't get distracted,

save me.

SO CALM & SO STILL

Finally upon this empty quiet hill,

we made it to the place, so calm and so still.

Alone, so alone, just us two.

I'll never forget this peaceful day,

for now i'll forgive you and let the past lay.

No longer can i take it

i grab your subtle neck.

Holding you close

give you a soft subtle peck.

I laugh for fun

you gasp to haunt.

this is more then i could ever want.

Smiling, laughing, gasping.

I pray that this is everylasting.

Now gently you fall,

you fall and you lay.

Without haste, i begin right away.

I start out slow, but at times move fast.

fuck everything we had in the past.

Smiling and weeping, i stare into your eyes.

now the same shaded color as the clouds in the skies.

With one last push i finish it off.

I hear you give up, with one last little cough.

Once more we sit here,

so calm and so still

here in the shade

just me and you

in your freshly dug grave.

R.I.P.

TIME

Time doesn't stop, always a step behind you

nipping at your heels

constantly reminding you its running out.

Soon we'll all just be at a dead stop

whether we're ready or not

no time left. nothing.

Alone in a grave made just for you,

A cemetary of so many others trapped there too.

Alone.

The same things you enjoy,

the ones that make time go faster.

the things that make you smile,

those could be the very things that make the

ticks of your clock desist.

We work so hard for the future,

working our butts off

just to inevitably end up the same as everyone else.

cold. alone. and dead.

everyone buried right next to eachother,

in their own seprate box.

alone.

ONE MORE

One more time and this will all go away.

One more time and it will all be okay.

But what to say to you?

There's no excuse for having no excuse.

A reason why i cry; an explanation for all my aggravation;

Wouldn't that be nice.

I need some relief, even if it's brief.

But what to say to you?

There's no reason for having no reason.

Life just looks great

in a comotose state.

The look on your face, along with everything else

i will try to erase.

One more time and.... ahhh....

Gotta kill the pain, let only the numbness remain.

I'd rather feel nothing then the way i feel now.

Oh but what to say to you?

I just can't do this on my own,

though i see you there, i feel so alone.

One more time and everything disappears.

Calmness and comfort replace all my tears.

Yes thats what i'll say to you.

Just this one more time and..... ...... ....

who cares...

its all through.

SUCUBUS

You get their attention and you hold it tight.

you rock their world all through the night.

In the morning you leave with their heart and their wallet.

They are now under your spell,

and love is what they'll call it.

When you kiss them you breathe in their soul.

They feel so weak they don't think they can let go.

They can't stop thinking how

they've found something so great,

as you go out and hook your next sappy bait.

Fill them with false happiness as you slowly destroy them.

Don't slip up and let them see the demons inside,

For you are a sucubus-- full of evil and pride.

--Beauty is only skin deep

Ugly is to the bone.

Evil is to the core. --

SEED

A seed planted by no fault of your own.

Lay there in the dark, cold, underground.

Wondering if life will ever get better.

Sad and alone, and dark... so dark.

Feeling the moisture drain on you every so often,

wondering if it will ever lead to anything better.

Then, one day, it does.

You spring up, you bust through the dirt,

you see the sun.

The sun smiles on you and gives you warmth.

You grow big, curl around and around, take shape, build character.

Grow into a tree, and let your branches stretch long and shade others.

Then, by no fault of your own, get cut down.

Loose your life as a tree so you can be used as paper.

Used as shade, then as paper.

You had your downs, and you had your ups...

But how much of your life was actually for you?

DREAMS

In my head, i'm dancing, i'm floating.

i'm dreaming.

Up in the air, the world looks so small.

Up in my head, there's no problems at all.

The world looks so perfect, up in my head.

Everything you say, its all just so right.

The fabulous job and parties everynight.

Then i wake up.

Why must reality always have the last laugh?

I guess false hope is better then no hope at all.

MUSICIAN

Ciggarrettes and sillouttes; ashes to dust.

Is it love, or is it just lust?

The heart beats hard against the chest

as the hand beats hard against the drum.

You blow me away, so now suck me in close.

I'll sing you your thoughts if you'll mend my soul.

I'll tickly your brain if you'll massage my heart.

Just don't leave. Keep my shadow close to yours.

ONE DAY

Waiting for one day.

THis one day when all of my dreams will come true.

The one day i know now such thing as sadness.

The one day I smile so much my face hurts.

The one day you look and me and say

this is it... this is real.

The one day I fly high above all else.

The one day i don't feel i need to get high.

The one day my adrenaline comes with no fear.

The one day when all the planets align

and the stars spell out:

YOU HAVE ARRIVED,

WELCOME TO PURE HAPPINESS.

Ecstasy holds no candle to this day.

Take my hand and we'll soar.

So hard to count down the days to an unexpected date.

But i'll wait and endure everything that comes my way

till the day i can look back on all the shit

and honestly, truly, say:

"This was SO worth it."

One day problems cease to exsist.

Hard times are unheard of.

All questions answered, no one ever asks "why?"

This one day all fears are faced and conquered.

All lessons learned.

One day

Anything will be possible.

STRIP DOWN

What you see is what you get.

Lay all the cards face up on the table.

Strip off the facade and dance in the honesty

and the freedom, of the true you.

Leave all the deceptions at home,

they're no good here.

I believe what you say if you believe it too.

Breathe in the truth and exhale the happiness.

Inhale my love and exhale the intensity of how real it is!

Me.

Beauty, laughter, life, music, and magic...that's what i am all about. Life is a rollercoaster and you have to learn to accept that. Life is also a game and it's a good one. Or on a bad day it can be a real crap shoot. I'm a restless spirit who LOVES to travel, and quite a day dreamer. I have a strong passion for music and can't imagine life without it. There should always be music playing. I wish my life had an ongoing soundtrack. Art makes the world go round. I don't feel like i'm very creative, but i like to try. I draw doodles, and paint nonsense, but more than anything I LOVE to write. I have two sides to everything. I'm a walking contradiction. I have many different opinions about every single subject you can think of. Thinking is a hobby of mine. Yoga and meditation are my most desired yet least practiced hobbies. I can either be a social butterfly or a loner with my head in the clouds - but rarely inbetween. I only wish i could refuse to accept responsibility, but it turns out you have to be responsible to live on your own, so i do it. I try to do the things i hate with a smile on my face, but there's always a quiet muttering of complaints under my breath. I love to learn. About everything. I would love school if they just got rid of the homework. I love listening to what other people have to say, and to others views on all things. I try to be as open minded as i possibly can. I try to learn something from everyone i meet. I can talk your head off, but i'll try and make it interesting so you'll enjoy listening. I love when I feel a deep connection with another person, or even with nature, or animals. I prefer sunshine but absolutely love thunderstorms. The brightness and warmth of summer and the amazing colors and slight chill of autumn bring me happiness. I tend to be extremely passionate, about all things, though I can be off-putting and 'cold' some days. Some might say i'm self-absorbed, because i know that i have to make myself happy before i can make anyone else happy. The people that i love, i love with all i have to give. And if you hurt them, i'll hurt you! then nurse them back together. I'm all about living in the moment. Spontanuity is key. Worrying about something you can't change is the biggest waste of time on this planet. There's no greater joy in this life, then to have days that are all yours, days where you can dedicate YOUR time to whatever YOU want to be doing. I HATE having to have a job. I guess i'll grow up someday, but I'll always be a child at heart.

Beautiful face.

Really it was all just a vibrational blur. Thinking back over the memories of that summer, she’s searching her brain for the answer to a question. The question that is now becoming a blur as much as the summer.
That face. That beautiful face is the only thing that really stands out. The way the curves and bends were all caressed so smoothly over the square shaped jaw bone. The soft milky skin covering this perfect being, so tender to the touch. He would shiver when grazed lightly enough. But the most memorable part was the eyes. Oh those hazel eyes had such a way of piercing into your own and making your soul shake to the core. You would crave his touch. The same way you would crave candy as a child but couldn’t afford it. So you would sit and stare at it, imagining yourself delicately placing the candy in your mouth, letting it melt slowly, slithering around your tongue from side to side letting the sweetness absorb into your taste buds. All these emotional outbursts coming simply from nothing more than a face. Such a beautiful face.

~Dedicated to Ben M.

One Day.

One day
it will happen
one day, one day
it will all come true

one day
when you're resdy
one day, one day
when you're up to it

the atmosphere
will get lighter
and two suns ready
to shine just for you

i can feel it

one day
it will happen
one day. one day
it will all make sense

one day, one day
you will blossom
one day, one day
when you're ready

an aeroplane
will curve gracefully
around the volcano
with the eruption that never lets you down

i can feel it

and the most beautiful
fireworks are burning
in the sky just for you

i can feel it

one day

jump off
your building's on fire
i'll catch you
i'll catch you
destroy all that is keeping you down
and then i'll nurse you
i'll nurse you

~??

Breaking down.

*breaking down. breaking down down down to the ground. breaking through the cemetery. breaking into open fields. breaking glass. green grass, grey skies. flowers that leave a trail of color. smears of color everywhere. snowflakes flying all around, none of them touch the ground. nothing touches the ground. there is no ground. leaves swirl, birds chirp. The never stopping flow of the wind. Bubbles tickle the skin. there's music. music and laughter. And there is no ground. We all just float around.*


*the words that they speak are just so true and i can't help but listen with every part of myself. my ears alone could never convey all that they are trying to say to me. The bass digs into my soul while the words penetrate my brain and the beat takes control over my limbs. my mouth can't stop smiling. my seratonine won't stop draining. my love for it won't stop growing. A feeling that could never get old. and feels almost like new everytime you experience it. So you keep exposing yourself to it.*

~2005

Thanksgiving

Everybody thinks there's an angel following them. everybody hopes that they are right. watching the tiny ants crawl across the hot pavement i can't help but think about how we all resemble these tiny ants. we are merely specks on this earth. we think we control the earth... HA we couldn't be more wrong. At any second, if this earth wanted to, it could just shake us off the way a dog shakes off water.Can it be depression if you enjoy the way you are feeling? I feel like i can't move from this bed and i couldn't be more content starring at this ceiling. But i'm fine. I feel sad, but i'm okay with it. So is it depression, or just laziness? I feel no need to talk to anyone or even to see anyone. I know that i am loved and i don't need anyone to say it to me. I just feel so empty. All i want to do is lay here and stare, and smoke. I need to smoke. I don't want to talk anymore. I've been blabbing and blabbing stupid things about stupid lives all day. Now i'm drunk. I'm so drunk i can't even see straight. but im still typing. My brother is complaining that we didn't have pie for dinner, and my mom is arguing that he doesn't work enough and that he is lazy... I'm waiting for my woman to get here, but it's taking her a century. switchin from my cockail, to the same old tasting beer that i keep finishing and refilling all day. Now let's put some wine in our glass so we feel like we're drinking. don't stop the flowing thoughts lets just keep thinking. Let the sound of the blender drill into you like a screw in your spine. Happy Thanksgiving.

~2005

Oh boy.

Sitting there watching tv i know what he is thinking. Two white russians later, we're both only fake--caring whats on the tv. He keeps looking at me from the corner of his eye and i just keep pretending that i can't see it. Then he goes in for it. Without even saying anything he puts his hand on my thigh, and before it has time to register, he leans in and kisses me. I let it happen because, of course, it feels good. We kiss. We kiss and we kiss and we kiss... and it feels good. So i close my eyes. I close my eyes, and i don't necessarily pretend that he is someone else, but i don't really think about who he is, but how it feels to touch, and rub, and kiss. I know I should stop it... i even suggest we stop. But of course, it doesn't happen. He suggests going to his room. I say no. but he persists, so of course i follow. I've done it again. oops. Please don't fall in love with me. And for your own hearts sake, i wouldn't recommend falling in like with me either.

~2005

For Andrew

I haven’t showered because I can still smell him on me. It’s oddly comforting.
He had me the second he walked in my door. Those eyes. Those eyes that blast into your soul when directed at you, like you’re being hit by an invisible canon. He has the kind of stare that makes you feel like you’re the only one in the room. We locked eyes over and over again, from two seperate sections of the living room, until finally finding ourselves alone together in kitchen together, not quite sure how we had both made it there. So we talked. The words that were spoken were almost as intense as the eyes. We teased, we talked, we glared. We exchanged numbers.

Two days later, he called me; asked me out for a date for Thursday, so of course I gladly accepted.

Two days later, we go out. We have a blast. We go to the galivan center and watch some bluegrass concert, then we go to the bar and have some pizza and drinks, next is Vortex (clearly I already liked him enough to convince me to go to this place I never go). We all dress up in costumes for the “Halloween in July” party. Andrew says he loves Halloween so much he’d rather have Halloween on Christmas. My heart melts.
After I buy him a drink he gets so excited he grabs my waist and before I have time to even comprehend what he's doing our lips are locked. We share an amazing first kiss by the bar. After which, we can’t keep our hands off each other. We spend the rest of the night touching and kissing each other.
When we get back to my place we retreat to the bedroom and continue pawing at each other. He tells me I’m amazing and he can’t wait to see me again. Says he’ll call me tomorrow and kisses me goodnight.

One entire fucking week later, he finally calls. We get together and party. He constantly keeps apologizing for not calling me for so long. He admits it was to build suspense. --He already knows me too well.-- We continue to hit it off.

We spend an entire weekend in bed together. We take a drive through the canyon on his dad’s motorcycle. We make out in the rain. We cuddle and watch movies. We have lots of delicious sex. He tells me I look like Meg Ryan, and since he wants to be Jim Morrison, he calls me his Pam.

We talk about how we are basically perfect for each other, but since we are so much alike we will not care how perfect we are together and we will still just move on to someone else.
We discuss our distaste for liars and lying, and how your eyes are what truly tell whether or not you are lying. He tells me he can lie through his eyes, then he locks those beautiful eyes on mine, staring so intently it's almost frightening. After a moment of silence, still looking me directly in the eyes he boldly states that he loves me. He is truly an excellent liar. I decide from that point on to appreciate the words he says to me, but to always suspect that they are a big fat boldface lie.

~Summer, 2006

The Dresden Dolls concert

I went to the Dresden Dolls concert tonight. It was a breath-taking experience. Probably one of the most fantastically intense and highly dramatized shows that I've ever seen! On the downside it reiterated my hate in mankind. Mostly the lack of respect that people have for others. Though I hate to be a whiner, I must express my complaints of those folks who stand tall as giants (so tall they could stand outside the building and still see inside from the 15 foot windows) that are right smack dab in the front row. "Um, excuse me...I'm a midget, I come up to your belly button...would you mind if I got to stand in front of you? You're not even dancing!" But of course they stand their like statues guarding their exquisite spot like its their child. Same with the lazy asses who steal all the seats and never leave. Next to mention is the people that were in the row second back --the people next to me-- who were not only NOT singing, but not even swaying their bodies to the fabulous music! (Get out of my fucking way so I can jam out with the band!) Same thing, stand there like statues. BUT on top of all of that petty stuff, there were those few, no, MANY people who just could not SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! I guess its semi-forgivable to talk during the loud songs (even though we all know its not "talking" but more "shouting") ... but when you insist on talking about how tired your legs are or how the rash on your ass itches during the concert? ...What?? Are you serious?? Aren't these things that you could talk about AFTER the show?!?? Why must it be known that you're ass is sore while the beautiful and talented Ms Amanda is trying to lovingly sing her heart out to the immaculate revised version of "Hallelujah"? Now about the performance.

The high intensity of this show is enough to give the healthiest person a heart attack (from over-stimulation of course). I can't even put into the words the rapture I was feeling listening to the live, powerful performance of these songs that I have been singing along to for however many years. It was more than I had expected and I must say, my expectations were high. The only part of the performance that disappointed (besides the ridiculously irritating crowd) was the fact that Amanda didn't get up and dance! However, this was all thanks to the Utah police saying the dancing is too "risque". How can someone refuse someone else the right to be sexy?? The right express themselves HOWEVER they want!?!? It's a fucking ridiculous excuse for a state I live in. Thank you Utah police force.

The music portrays such an all-consuming form of sexual angst, that I was really looking forward to seeing some high kicks and sensual cabaret dance styles on stage. Perhaps at the next show? Just put the piano on auto play. ;)
With that I must say that one of the absolute best parts of the show had to be the impassioned connection between Amanda and Brian. The way their eyes would lock gaze and hold it and you could just see/feel that they were reaching each other on a level so great that at that moment no one else in the room existed. It suddenly became just those two.. their music... that gaze... that feeling of total love and understanding.
The smooth back and forth rocking and slightly sexual humping motion of Amanda on her piano bench conjoined with fierce motions of Brian as he pounded on the drums causing clenched flexing muscles, provided such a sensual, suggestive combination! They were not only communicating with their instruments, but also with their bodies, mostly their eyes.
The full on feeling that the music gives me is such an overtaking rush of excitement. There is so much emotion Amanda puts into her songs. By just listening you can not only feel, but KNOW that these songs, and these words mean so much to her. How she can belt these songs out from the bottom of her gut in such a way that it grabs you and pulls you in, lets you feel exactly what she is feeling, possibly taking you to the place where she was when she wrote it. Whether that be a full song-finishing session where she sat down and wrote every lyric all at once... word after word, feeling after feeling; Or whether it took her days, weeks, months, of contemplating and writing and re-writing and thinking. Too much thinking. How she would shut her eyes at the parts that seemed to be just too much for her to sing while starring out at so many people starring right back at her, watching her confess her darkest secrets and mystified stories. Screaming to the world of her hurt and her pains, her good days, her difficult days, the loves that left her, the loves that hurt her, and the love that stayed. Again, the looks between her and Brian.
Simply magnificent.

~2006

East Canyon Drive

I drove to East Canyon Dam to watch the sunset today. The air was crisp and refreshing. The trees were green as they could possibly get. Lush, and cool. The water was calm and placid, blue and shimmery. It made me wonder how many years I would have to trace back to find myself standing under water. “Air” is playing in my car. So loud I can hear it as I walk down to the water side. I went up there to think, but surrounded by all the beauty and peacefulness, I find myself numb of thoughts; blank, and pleasant.
I climb back in my car to warm up. I sniff 30 milligrams of morphine and melt back into my seat. My nose is burning and my brain is buzzing. I touch myself. I sniff some water up my nose to clear the burning and rubbing my face yelp out a little moan.
After however many minutes of pleasure and relaxation, I decide its time to drive. I start to head home concentrating more on the atmosphere than the road, when I realize that East Canyon is now open. See it has been closed all of summer, for all the time I’ve lived here in this Great Salt Lake. So I turn around. I pass the gate that has been closed all these months and I enter a territory I’ve never been before.
It feels great. The trees line the street and travel up the mountains… so many flowing leaves and thick, lush, greenery that it’s hard to concentrate on the road. My brain’s still buzzing, Airs still blasting out of my “magically delicious” Ipod.
I feel so overtaken by beauty and peace; I drive ten miles under the speed limit. This is a place I’ve never traveled before and I have no clue where the end of this road will take me. And it feels amazing.
I gracefully turn the wheel to match the way the yellow lines bend and curve on the road. My body sways opposite of the car as I figure-eight my way up this new and fantastic canyon. I pass large red rocks of mountain and stare in awe. I casually glance down behind me to the tree filled valley I’m leaving behind and I wonder just where it is I’m going.
Morgan County. The sign answers my question. I knew there was an East Canyon in Morgan County but I did not know whether it would connect to the canyon I was presently driving on. I guess I should have thought about it more. I realize now where I am headed and debate whether I should turn around. But the scenery is so overwhelming that I cannot stop driving. I have no idea how long I’ve been driving at this point and I really don’t care. There are pathways off the side of the road most likely leading to campsites and hiking trails. The sun has set at this point but the light in the sky continues to lead the way. The clouds are gray due to the rain storms we’ve been having the past few days, and I wish now that there was a lightening show I could watch the flashing show, while surrounded by all the splendor.
It’s getting darker now and I pass a billboard. A sure-fire sign that I’m getting close to reaching civilization, quite possibly the last thing I want to do at this point, especially the “civilization” in Morgan County. I pass a ranch and some horses who look like they’re dancing with each other round and round in circles. I crack my window a bit to smell the refreshing scent of the outside air, and my car is filled with the cool mountain breeze. I imagine I’m flying. I want to close my eyes but remind myself that I am the one controlling this car.
Finally ahead of me I start to see lights. Now I know that I must be getting closer to this bo-hunk town that is not in fact my final destination, and I know that once I’ve actually reached it I will just have to turn around and head back, not knowing how long it would take me to get home.
So I stop. I flip a U-turn, and I head back the up the path I just came down. Now it’s dusk. The path is no less magnificent the second time venturing through it.
My brain has stopped buzzing at this point and is now becoming numb. I’ve had to go to the bathroom the whole time and though I’ve passed several rest stops I continue to tell myself I can wait until I get home. I pass by the red rocks again, still brilliantly glowing red I stare at them again. When I look back at the road there’s a deer standing in the middle. I swerve to avoid hitting it and come 3 feet from driving off the road and crashing into the valley below. Just like that and my life could be over. It was me or the deer, and in that split second I would have chosen me. A second deer on the side of the road distracts my attention once more, only this time I would have just hit a pole. I decide that I need to pay more attention to the road and just get myself home. **

~Summer, 2005

Skeletons

The skeletons in my closet won't stop rattling their bones. I can't sleep through the incessant sound of ghosts calling out to me reminding me of things i don't want to remember.
Constantly hearing voices, talking, mumbling. I hear enough mouths chattering all day long, why can't i escape it when I’m alone?
I suppose in order to be an artist you must be disturbed. I'm always disturbed. But I’m not an artist.
Just another fucked up thing to add to the list.
Everything that is a considered a solid thought is immediately followed by an equal contradictory thought. Nothing follows the same path, so how am I supposed to stay on the right path?
It's that feeling when you've just said the total wrong thing and the air around you fills with awkwardness so thick you almost can't breathe.
Followed directly by the silence that feels like it lasts hours, but is really only seconds.
If all the good people die young, then why would I want to live long and grow old with the bad people?

~2005

Entertainer

I admire his will to put on a smile everyday. Everyday dance around like a clown, but the kind of clown you love to watch. Constantly making people laugh. People, lots of people, all watching him. Watching him every single night, acting like life is just so whimsical, and funny. But what's going on behind the scenes? whats going on behind that desk? Behind that smile? We're all actors. Always acting. We all put on a face to wear around outside of our loneliness. We decide whether or not we want people to really know what is going on, or let them think good things are going on. Or at least staying neutral. It's so hard to remember to be grateful, even though you really are. Jesus is a magician. He can make things appear and disappear, make things go from good to bad with the wave of a hand. Water to wine. If that isn't magic... I don't know what is.

~2005

Fate.

Treat others as you would like to be treated.

Treat others the way you want them to treat you.

It doesn't sound so hard. In fact it sounds lovely. the people around you should be the best people you can find, and you should treat them they way you want them to treat you.

Do unasked favors.

Love these people.

Let these people love you.

The people around you may have more power then you know.

If they were asked to determine your fate, what would they say?

What if the ones around you, the ones you see almost everyday, are the ones that create your hell?

Where would you end up if they were the ones who decided your fate?

Treat others as you would like to be treated.

~2005