Record the Day

I stumbled upon this blog some time earlier this year. I absolutely adore it. This girl is super crafty. she inspires me to be more artsy. I used to collect magazines and pictures and make collages all the time...I loved it. I still have a box of my creations somewhere. I think when I have free time, I should start up again. Looking at her pictures always brightens my day. :)

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Record the Day

What the world needs now....

...is love, sweet love.

It's the only thing, that there's just too little of.

Some hate to love...

others, love to hate.

Damn Dogs

The dogs, they bark. they bark bark bark.
I've never been particularly fond of dogs. Never disliked them, just never really had the desire to own one. I still don't own one, yet they surround me.
bark bark barking.
"SHUT UP!" I hiss at them.
they smell. they swim in the lake, and they smell. bad. and they like to climb all over you. jump up on your short frame as if to say, "look, if i stand on my hind legs i am almost as tall as you." they mock me.
bark bark barking.
their little nails, click click click on the hardwood floor as the scamper rambunctiously throughout the house. and they smell.
bark bark barking.
one i can live with. four is too many. too much smell.
too much,
bark bark barking.

Bukowski

"Somebody at one of these places asked me: "What do you do? How do you write, create?"
You don't, I told them. You don't try. That's very important: not to try, either for Cadillacs, creation or immortality. You wait, and if nothing happens, you wait some more. It's like a bug high on the wall. You wait for it to come to you. When it gets close enough you reach out, slap out and kill it. Or if you like it's looks, you make a pet out of it."

- Charles Bukowski

A short love story.

I had never felt happier. Though I couldn't wipe the silly grin from my face, reality still reminded me that there were three very sad components in this moment. First, was that I only had a few weeks left with this man. Second, was that I had only had a few weeks with him. Lastly, was that I knew, without a doubt, that I was madly in love with him.

On this cool summer night, beneath the glow of the full moon and the twinkling stars spread across the endless night sky, I found myself nestled into his strong, warm chest. His arms wrapped tightly around me, I couldn't find an ounce of strength that would allow me to let go of him and walk into the house, though I knew it must be late.

We had just gotten back to my place after a wonderful dinner at a fancy Italian restaurant and a walk-and-talk in the park. That's what I loved most about him, we could talk all day long and never tire of conversation, never run out of things to say. We each had our own strong opinions about every little aspect of life and each of us were willing to speak our minds, and both more than eager to hear the others point of view. Conversation had started this relationship, and it had not depleted in the few short weeks we had spent together.

He shifted his hand from my back up to my head to gently stroke my hair which pulled me back into the present. Into the strong loving embrace of his arms. Both of us sighed in unison. I pulled away slowly and only by a couple inches as to not loose the feel of his touch against me.
Without command my head dropped to stare at the ground. I could feel words wanting to escape from my mouth, but I was not exactly sure what they were. I briefly looked up to meet his gaze, his face was soft, beautiful, and slightly puzzled by my body language. I dropped my eyes back to my feet and felt a lump swell in the back of my throat. I swallowed hard to choke it down.
He caressed my hair once more and softly cued, "What is it my darling?" I swallowed again as another lump rose in my throat, I was still just as confused as he was by what was going on. Without lifting my head I rolled my eyes up to glance at him through my eyelashes. I blinked furiously a few times to clear away the liquid swelling up in my eyes. He patiently awaited my response, with a more concerned look washing over his face. I let my eyes fall back towards the ground and felt my mouth open slightly. Still not knowing what I was saying I heard my voice soft and low, "I think we have a problem, Mr. Perry." I spoke meaning for my words to sound teasingly, but in the current state they came out more serious than I wanted. At this point I must have appeared to have something seriously sad to say to him. He gently placed his finger and thumb on my chin and pulled my face up to meet his gaze. Those eyes, so warm, so vibrant, so beautiful. I attempted to blink away more fluid, only this time the movement forced the warm tears to roll down my cheeks. He used his free hand to wipe the tears from my face, but didn't move the grip he had on my chin, I assumed it was for fear that I would look away again; and I would have.
"What exactly do you mean?" His words trembled, full of fear and confusion. Still lost in my own thoughts and words I began stuttering through my sentence. "Well...." I gulped down another lump, he still stood there patiently as ever as I struggled through my words, my eyes darting around carelessly as his stare seemed too much for me to take in. Clearly I was nervous to spit out whatever it was my brain wanted say. I began again,"Well..."
This time my words came out louder and with more confidence, "You see, I've fallen for you.....hard." I put a strong emphasis on the word 'hard.'
He chuckled softly with relief. My eyes met his and he was smirking; clearly he had expected something much worse after all my emotional battling. He softly placed each of the palms of his hands on my cheeks and a more serious, yet still lightly amused, look washed across his face.
"I'm already three steps ahead of you love."
"Really?" I managed to spit out, sounding more desperate that I would have liked.
"Really." He stated bodly and to the point. "In fact, Ms. Cuskelly, I haven't just fallen... I've fallen so hard I pushed through the ground, circled around, and rained back down from the sky." He giggled again as if he thought what he was saying was amusing and silly, though still very true. "What I mean is.... I love you."
There was no more giddy tone to his voice on that statement. He was serious. I could feel it. He could feel it. The moment was almost too powerful to handle.
"I love you too." I loudly whispered, as if he had stolen my breath.
He pulled my face to his and softly but firmly placed his lips on mine. We stood there kissing for an amount of time that seemed as it would never last long enough. When we finally broke apart he pulled me tightly into his chest again. His strong arms wrapping all the way around my back, almost too tightly. He rested his cheek on my head and sighed. "I've been waiting my whole life to feel like this. I've been waiting my whole life to find you."
The tears were welling up in mass quantities at this point, too much for me to hold back. I softly mumbled, "me too, Luke, me too." And without any other choice I gently weeped in his arms.

We were swaying back and forth at that point, which I'm sure he started to try and calm my nerves. He pulled back and lightly kissed my forehead. His fingers once again drying my tear stained cheeks. "Don't cry beautiful, let me see that radiant smile I love so much." I chuckled at that, which sounded more like I was gasping for air. He always did know how to make me laugh. A big smile swept across my face, and I shifted up on my toes to kiss him again.
"Please stay. I don't want to waste a single minute we have with each other." I muttered selfishly.
"Anything you wish my love." He replied with a sheepish grin. His words warmed my heart. I grabbed his hand and weaved my fingers through his. Pulling him inside the sad reality of time slapped me in the face again. I knew I only had two more weeks with him, and then he would have to leave.
Once inside I turned to him letting a sad expression fall over my face again.
"I don't know how I will survive this summer without you." I pathetically declared.
"We will find ourselves together again my dear, time is only of the essence."
I simply nodded in response, and with a crooked smile on his face. He leaned down and kissed me again.

I knew at that moment that the next two weeks would be the best two weeks of my life. I couldn't believe that I would meet someone else who could woo me like he did. But, I took comfort in the thought that no matter what the summer held for either of us, at the very least we had this time together. This night, this feeling, this love, would last me a lifetime, let alone one summer.

Poems

Here's a TON of old poems that I wrote between the years of 1999-2004 'ish.... It would take to long to separate them I decided, so I just put them all together on this one blog. Enjoy. Or don't. Whatever. :P

BATHTUB DRAMA

She cries. She gasps.

She smiles. She sighs.

She's happy or sad, she doesn't know.

But holding on tight, she's ready to go.

The shiny smooth blade is calling her name;

She's fed up with this shit, with these people, and this pain.

Slowly it drags from her ankles, to her wrist, and she relaxs her head.

Her blood now breathing oxygen turns from blue to red.

When its all over she lays there so still;

The water is warm as the blood starts to spill.

Her aches and pains, they all drift away.

Her troubles her worries, they all float a stray.

Finally she feels content and at peace.

Her eyes close softly with complacent relief.

It's finally done. Its done and its over.

Fuck luck, and fuck the four leaf clover.

Wondering if its really what she wanted. Well she's about to find out.

But now she floats up from her body, her soul drifting delicately about.

She sighs.

She smiles.

She gasps.

She cries.

TRUST

You put a knife in my heart and its tearing me apart,

From my chest to my toes i can't let go.

You said it wouldn't hurt and i believed you,

Trust is a fucked up thing cause it's rarely the truth.

See the irony? Feel the pain?

THE SUN

The sun; it shines everyday. Even if its hidden by clouds, even if its nighttime,

it's shining. Shining on someone else, but still reflecting its shine onto us.

Even if you can't see it you know its there. Well, you trust it's there.

Love should be like that.

What if the sun decided not to come up tommorrow?

Frozen in an ice pool of lonliness, with no glowing warmth to cheer you up.

And just like that, you fall out of love.

WORTH

I thought the time we had was priceless.

Turns out it cost me more then i ever wanted to pay.

When the going gets tough, the weak fall asleep.

You just keep nodding off.

You can try to escape in a dillusional dream,

but reality awaits you no matter what you do.

I just wanted to see you smile even if it makes me frown.

I'll always love you,

but i don't think i like you anymore.

You used to make me cry.

I don't care enough to cry anymore.

BLISS

Simple bliss comes not from knowing what you want to do,

but enjoying what you are doing at the moment.

The suculent pleasures of life come from ones own perspective of the situation at hand.

Isn't it enough to just be happy?

MATCHMAKER

I try to make you happy even if it makes me cry.

I thought you were grateful, you acted it at first.

But that must have been to keep me around to finish the job.

Because where i used to help you and carry you along,

you now walk on your own. I'm invisible to you.

You drift off basking in what i worked to get you.

Now you can do it yourself, you don't need me.

I don't matter.

You left me far behind, standing alone.

Words don't express what i want to say,

but don't actions speak louder anyway?

When i try to talk to you that's when i know you could care less.

It looks like you are listening but your mind is clearly somewhere else.

You can't see through your happiness to see to my pain.

Getting through is useless so i'll just sit here and complain.

Isn't it enough to just look and act happy?

Easily done on the surface, but inside there's an empty void.

All night i dream about the day, but when the day actually comes its never the same.

When will it be my turn to move from this path?

Always the matchmaker, never the match.

AGAIN

Putty in your hands

here i am again

just last week i was complete

and here i am again

only you can disrupt the calmest of lakes

with just one touch

deny it i will

but i long for it so much.

and here i am again.

SPINNING

Drifting in like a wind no one predicted.

Chained and contained without a choice.

Now twisting and swirling with confusion.

Can't stand to see you sad,

though thats what i am.

Now i can't imagine my world without you in it.

Locked in an unbreakable chain

I need you to need me.

i'm addicted. why can't this be mutual?

I'm out of control, i can't describe how i feel.

If i let go, will you grab the wheel?

Running out of breath

frusteration envelopes me.

I lie still but have motion sickness.

Only you.

Still spinning.

SAVE ME

Extend your arms and hold me tighter then gravity can.

Don't let go till the world comes to an end.

I can't do this alone, I won't.

Carry me. Father me.

Fill me with your knowledge

Pacify me with your kindness

Adore me with your charm

Don't look away,

watch me

Don't close your eyes,

see me.

Don't loose your grip,

hold me.

Don't get distracted,

save me.

SO CALM & SO STILL

Finally upon this empty quiet hill,

we made it to the place, so calm and so still.

Alone, so alone, just us two.

I'll never forget this peaceful day,

for now i'll forgive you and let the past lay.

No longer can i take it

i grab your subtle neck.

Holding you close

give you a soft subtle peck.

I laugh for fun

you gasp to haunt.

this is more then i could ever want.

Smiling, laughing, gasping.

I pray that this is everylasting.

Now gently you fall,

you fall and you lay.

Without haste, i begin right away.

I start out slow, but at times move fast.

fuck everything we had in the past.

Smiling and weeping, i stare into your eyes.

now the same shaded color as the clouds in the skies.

With one last push i finish it off.

I hear you give up, with one last little cough.

Once more we sit here,

so calm and so still

here in the shade

just me and you

in your freshly dug grave.

R.I.P.

TIME

Time doesn't stop, always a step behind you

nipping at your heels

constantly reminding you its running out.

Soon we'll all just be at a dead stop

whether we're ready or not

no time left. nothing.

Alone in a grave made just for you,

A cemetary of so many others trapped there too.

Alone.

The same things you enjoy,

the ones that make time go faster.

the things that make you smile,

those could be the very things that make the

ticks of your clock desist.

We work so hard for the future,

working our butts off

just to inevitably end up the same as everyone else.

cold. alone. and dead.

everyone buried right next to eachother,

in their own seprate box.

alone.

ONE MORE

One more time and this will all go away.

One more time and it will all be okay.

But what to say to you?

There's no excuse for having no excuse.

A reason why i cry; an explanation for all my aggravation;

Wouldn't that be nice.

I need some relief, even if it's brief.

But what to say to you?

There's no reason for having no reason.

Life just looks great

in a comotose state.

The look on your face, along with everything else

i will try to erase.

One more time and.... ahhh....

Gotta kill the pain, let only the numbness remain.

I'd rather feel nothing then the way i feel now.

Oh but what to say to you?

I just can't do this on my own,

though i see you there, i feel so alone.

One more time and everything disappears.

Calmness and comfort replace all my tears.

Yes thats what i'll say to you.

Just this one more time and..... ...... ....

who cares...

its all through.

SUCUBUS

You get their attention and you hold it tight.

you rock their world all through the night.

In the morning you leave with their heart and their wallet.

They are now under your spell,

and love is what they'll call it.

When you kiss them you breathe in their soul.

They feel so weak they don't think they can let go.

They can't stop thinking how

they've found something so great,

as you go out and hook your next sappy bait.

Fill them with false happiness as you slowly destroy them.

Don't slip up and let them see the demons inside,

For you are a sucubus-- full of evil and pride.

--Beauty is only skin deep

Ugly is to the bone.

Evil is to the core. --

SEED

A seed planted by no fault of your own.

Lay there in the dark, cold, underground.

Wondering if life will ever get better.

Sad and alone, and dark... so dark.

Feeling the moisture drain on you every so often,

wondering if it will ever lead to anything better.

Then, one day, it does.

You spring up, you bust through the dirt,

you see the sun.

The sun smiles on you and gives you warmth.

You grow big, curl around and around, take shape, build character.

Grow into a tree, and let your branches stretch long and shade others.

Then, by no fault of your own, get cut down.

Loose your life as a tree so you can be used as paper.

Used as shade, then as paper.

You had your downs, and you had your ups...

But how much of your life was actually for you?

DREAMS

In my head, i'm dancing, i'm floating.

i'm dreaming.

Up in the air, the world looks so small.

Up in my head, there's no problems at all.

The world looks so perfect, up in my head.

Everything you say, its all just so right.

The fabulous job and parties everynight.

Then i wake up.

Why must reality always have the last laugh?

I guess false hope is better then no hope at all.

MUSICIAN

Ciggarrettes and sillouttes; ashes to dust.

Is it love, or is it just lust?

The heart beats hard against the chest

as the hand beats hard against the drum.

You blow me away, so now suck me in close.

I'll sing you your thoughts if you'll mend my soul.

I'll tickly your brain if you'll massage my heart.

Just don't leave. Keep my shadow close to yours.

ONE DAY

Waiting for one day.

THis one day when all of my dreams will come true.

The one day i know now such thing as sadness.

The one day I smile so much my face hurts.

The one day you look and me and say

this is it... this is real.

The one day I fly high above all else.

The one day i don't feel i need to get high.

The one day my adrenaline comes with no fear.

The one day when all the planets align

and the stars spell out:

YOU HAVE ARRIVED,

WELCOME TO PURE HAPPINESS.

Ecstasy holds no candle to this day.

Take my hand and we'll soar.

So hard to count down the days to an unexpected date.

But i'll wait and endure everything that comes my way

till the day i can look back on all the shit

and honestly, truly, say:

"This was SO worth it."

One day problems cease to exsist.

Hard times are unheard of.

All questions answered, no one ever asks "why?"

This one day all fears are faced and conquered.

All lessons learned.

One day

Anything will be possible.

STRIP DOWN

What you see is what you get.

Lay all the cards face up on the table.

Strip off the facade and dance in the honesty

and the freedom, of the true you.

Leave all the deceptions at home,

they're no good here.

I believe what you say if you believe it too.

Breathe in the truth and exhale the happiness.

Inhale my love and exhale the intensity of how real it is!

Me.

Beauty, laughter, life, music, and magic...that's what i am all about. Life is a rollercoaster and you have to learn to accept that. Life is also a game and it's a good one. Or on a bad day it can be a real crap shoot. I'm a restless spirit who LOVES to travel, and quite a day dreamer. I have a strong passion for music and can't imagine life without it. There should always be music playing. I wish my life had an ongoing soundtrack. Art makes the world go round. I don't feel like i'm very creative, but i like to try. I draw doodles, and paint nonsense, but more than anything I LOVE to write. I have two sides to everything. I'm a walking contradiction. I have many different opinions about every single subject you can think of. Thinking is a hobby of mine. Yoga and meditation are my most desired yet least practiced hobbies. I can either be a social butterfly or a loner with my head in the clouds - but rarely inbetween. I only wish i could refuse to accept responsibility, but it turns out you have to be responsible to live on your own, so i do it. I try to do the things i hate with a smile on my face, but there's always a quiet muttering of complaints under my breath. I love to learn. About everything. I would love school if they just got rid of the homework. I love listening to what other people have to say, and to others views on all things. I try to be as open minded as i possibly can. I try to learn something from everyone i meet. I can talk your head off, but i'll try and make it interesting so you'll enjoy listening. I love when I feel a deep connection with another person, or even with nature, or animals. I prefer sunshine but absolutely love thunderstorms. The brightness and warmth of summer and the amazing colors and slight chill of autumn bring me happiness. I tend to be extremely passionate, about all things, though I can be off-putting and 'cold' some days. Some might say i'm self-absorbed, because i know that i have to make myself happy before i can make anyone else happy. The people that i love, i love with all i have to give. And if you hurt them, i'll hurt you! then nurse them back together. I'm all about living in the moment. Spontanuity is key. Worrying about something you can't change is the biggest waste of time on this planet. There's no greater joy in this life, then to have days that are all yours, days where you can dedicate YOUR time to whatever YOU want to be doing. I HATE having to have a job. I guess i'll grow up someday, but I'll always be a child at heart.